We've all experienced feelings of shame, but for the sake of the context of this analysis it is important to understand the fact that shame is not an integral component of our human nature. In other words we are not born with shame. Shame is a feeling which is defined as:
- A painful emotion caused by a strong sense of guilt, embarrassment, unworthiness, or disgrace.
- Capacity for such a feeling: Have you no shame?
- One that brings dishonor, disgrace, or condemnation.
- A condition of disgrace or dishonor; ignominy.
- A great disappointment.
So where do feelings and emotions of shame originate?
Shame is merely an expression of moral sensitivity or obligation to conform to standards of what is right or just in one's behavior. (especially in relation to personal principles or dignity) Morals are learned standards of behavior taught to us by parents, teachers, clergymen, etc., and shame is simply the consequential feeling(s) we experience when we act against our moral standards.
For us it seems for the most part that our moral teachers always wanted us to do things right or perfect. Our perception was that we were expected to be perfect in complying and abiding by our moral code and there was NO room for mistake or errors! But this was invariably an impossible feat which always lead to feelings of shame or a sense of failure... Consequently, as children we acquired a tendency to hide failure with dishonesty to avoid these feelings, and slowly this became a learned behavior. Moreover, as we lied to our friends and family, conversely we were in actuality becoming socially unacceptable in our own mind -- compounding and instilling new feelings of shame. What appeared to be the answer to one dilemma, ultimately became the beast that fed our addiction...
ADDICTION:
It's been said that many people become addicted to anything that makes them feel good! And what's so wrong with feeling good, right? Wrong!
Addiction is a dependence on a behavior or substance that a person ultimately becomes powerless to stop; including mood-altering behaviors or activities. Some researchers speak of two types of addictions: substance addictions (i.e., alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking); and process addictions (i.e., gambling, spending, shopping, eating, and sexual activity). For the sake of this analysis we are going to focus on the mood-altering component of addiction.
Generally most people would not desire to change their mood because they are feeling good and socially acceptable. So it only begs the question: Why don't many people feel good? As the beginning of this article explains, our contention is that many of us, (especially as children) experienced a variety of feelings directly linked with not fitting in, not being good enough, or simply not measuring up to others. In other words believed that we did not meet the mark on our moral ruler and feelings of shame controlled us. You have to honestly admit that if you experience these feelings for any period of time it could be tough to live with yourself. Social acceptance is not an option that we can live without. Therefore, somewhere along the line anyone who feels bad for long enough is going to seek out something that makes them feel good and socially acceptable -- something to take away the feelings of shame. At first our lies enabled us to make others believe that we fit in, but eventually they pulled us down an even deeper well of shame and we were forced to find a way to escape from ourselves! For us this escape turned out to be alcohol and/or drugs.
THE CONNECTION:
When we were introduced to alcohol and/or drugs, for the first time in days, months, or even years, we experienced feelings of acceptance as the veil of shame and guilt was slowly replaced. Soon we were able to forget these many horrible experiences. However, there were Two catches.
First, without the alcohol or drug these experiences would quickly return, so we became addicted to the alcohol or drug by associating our intoxicated feeling as a "good feeling".
Second, even with the temporary solution there was still the fact that our conscious would not let us escape from ourselves! Our deeply ingrained moral ruler was still in place and we could not escape from it! The fact that we had broken the moral code which was taught to us; coupled with our vain attempts to aver those feelings with lies, only made matters worse because our moral gauge made it practically impossible for us to live with ourselves. If that was not already enough, when we became addicted to the alcohol or drug and committed even more acts of moral turpitude; coupling themselves to our already bankrupt conscious, we were lead to a point of complete hopelessness and oblivion! So the connection of the shame to our addiction is undoubtedly visible and manifests itself even further until we are left with nothing but hopelessness.
We believe that until we reached the point of admitting that our lives were unmanageable ,hope was merely a fantasy that would ever evade our conscience.
Shame is merely an expression of moral sensitivity or obligation to conform to standards of what is right or just in one's behavior. (especially in relation to personal principles or dignity) Morals are learned standards of behavior taught to us by parents, teachers, clergymen, etc., and shame is simply the consequential feeling(s) we experience when we act against our moral standards.
For us it seems for the most part that our moral teachers always wanted us to do things right or perfect. Our perception was that we were expected to be perfect in complying and abiding by our moral code and there was NO room for mistake or errors! But this was invariably an impossible feat which always lead to feelings of shame or a sense of failure... Consequently, as children we acquired a tendency to hide failure with dishonesty to avoid these feelings, and slowly this became a learned behavior. Moreover, as we lied to our friends and family, conversely we were in actuality becoming socially unacceptable in our own mind -- compounding and instilling new feelings of shame. What appeared to be the answer to one dilemma, ultimately became the beast that fed our addiction...
ADDICTION:
It's been said that many people become addicted to anything that makes them feel good! And what's so wrong with feeling good, right? Wrong!
Addiction is a dependence on a behavior or substance that a person ultimately becomes powerless to stop; including mood-altering behaviors or activities. Some researchers speak of two types of addictions: substance addictions (i.e., alcoholism, drug abuse, and smoking); and process addictions (i.e., gambling, spending, shopping, eating, and sexual activity). For the sake of this analysis we are going to focus on the mood-altering component of addiction.
Generally most people would not desire to change their mood because they are feeling good and socially acceptable. So it only begs the question: Why don't many people feel good? As the beginning of this article explains, our contention is that many of us, (especially as children) experienced a variety of feelings directly linked with not fitting in, not being good enough, or simply not measuring up to others. In other words believed that we did not meet the mark on our moral ruler and feelings of shame controlled us. You have to honestly admit that if you experience these feelings for any period of time it could be tough to live with yourself. Social acceptance is not an option that we can live without. Therefore, somewhere along the line anyone who feels bad for long enough is going to seek out something that makes them feel good and socially acceptable -- something to take away the feelings of shame. At first our lies enabled us to make others believe that we fit in, but eventually they pulled us down an even deeper well of shame and we were forced to find a way to escape from ourselves! For us this escape turned out to be alcohol and/or drugs.
THE CONNECTION:
When we were introduced to alcohol and/or drugs, for the first time in days, months, or even years, we experienced feelings of acceptance as the veil of shame and guilt was slowly replaced. Soon we were able to forget these many horrible experiences. However, there were Two catches.
First, without the alcohol or drug these experiences would quickly return, so we became addicted to the alcohol or drug by associating our intoxicated feeling as a "good feeling".
Second, even with the temporary solution there was still the fact that our conscious would not let us escape from ourselves! Our deeply ingrained moral ruler was still in place and we could not escape from it! The fact that we had broken the moral code which was taught to us; coupled with our vain attempts to aver those feelings with lies, only made matters worse because our moral gauge made it practically impossible for us to live with ourselves. If that was not already enough, when we became addicted to the alcohol or drug and committed even more acts of moral turpitude; coupling themselves to our already bankrupt conscious, we were lead to a point of complete hopelessness and oblivion! So the connection of the shame to our addiction is undoubtedly visible and manifests itself even further until we are left with nothing but hopelessness.
We believe that until we reached the point of admitting that our lives were unmanageable ,hope was merely a fantasy that would ever evade our conscience.
One of the motivational phrases used in many 12-step programs is, “It don’t work unless you work it.”
ReplyDeleteIn reality they offer a plan of salvation to drunkenness based upon works. They have tried to implement biblical principles upon one sin, rather than the whole, and in doing so they missed the greatest part of the gospel message.
That Christ actually sets you free! If anyone is in Christ he is a new creature, if anyone is in AA they are forever an alcoholic.
"Jesus answered them, Verily, verily, I say unto you, Whosoever committeth sin is the servant of sin. And the servant abideth not in the house for ever: but the Son abideth ever. If the Son therefore shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed." - John 8:34-36
"There is therefore now no condemnation to them which are in Christ Jesus, who walk not after the flesh, but after the Spirit. For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus hath made me free from the law of sin and death." - Romans 8:1, 2
We need to realize that we are not ALCOHOLICS in need of SOBRETY; we are SINNERS in need of GOD. We will never find God by trying to clean up our sinful behaviour one piece at a time.This is the wrong method to find true Biblical healing. A Christian does not keep their old clothes and simply sew new patches of unshrunk cloth on them, patching them up as they cleanse each sin.
ReplyDeleteIf they were to do that their clothes would be worse off with the patch, not better! Look at what Jesus said:
"No man putteth a piece of new cloth unto an old garment, for that which is put in to fill it up taketh from the garment, and the rent is made worse.
Neither do men put new wine into old bottles: else the bottles break, and the wine runneth out, and the bottles perish: but they put new wine into new bottles, and both are preserved."(Matthew 9:16 - 17)
Shame is such a part of me being a drunk - I can't look people in the ey becasue I know i have a red face and my breath stinks of wine.
ReplyDeleteMickey is so correct.
ReplyDeleteSoeey, *Micky.
ReplyDelete